Point Break is one of my favourite films, and whenever I see our Sidmouth ‘pack’ in the water, I hear the same line in my head “The Ex-Presidents are SURFERS!!!”
I can’t surf (it might not surprise you to hear!) but if I could…would it help me to survive the barrage of waves that are currently pummelling me?!
That’s right folks, this is a grief analogy (thanks for giving me the way “in” Keanu!)
As was alluded to on our most recent Instagram post, we have a lot on our collective plates right now; one of them being the 20th ‘anniversary’ of my Mum’s passing. I knew this year was going to be tough to navigate when the first waves started to roll last October (“Next year will be 20yrs!”); then the first to crash is Mothering Sunday (March); wedding anniversary (May); birthday (June)…quite the ‘set!’
Then I get a bit of a reprieve, but ‘the body remembers’ when it comes to the 3months ‘diagnosis to death’ that she (we) had…and these waves of emotion hit me; I can be seemingly fine and then I’ll ‘fill’ with tears for apparently ‘no reason’.
Me’thinks I may need to help myself even more/seek out help for somatic memory: “the body’s way of storing experiences, particularly traumatic ones, as physical sensations, emotions, and reactions rather than conscious thoughts”.
Rather than follow the path I’m currently on, taking on too much work; a course; moving! Yeah…don’t get me wrong, distraction is a heavy lifting coping strategy…but I think I’m ‘peaking’ now and we’ve still got the rest of the month to go! Added to all of that, I’ve got a very recent ‘new’ bereavement and all of the remembrances of old that brings…but I’ve got to “hold it together” - because that grief is ‘now’ versus two decades ago (“you’re over that - surely?!” Yeah…can’t say I’m that close to the person who said that to me a couple of years ago…)
Or, thankfully, have places (people) where I can just be me - without explanation or apology (that second one’s really hard!) Where I can be (literally) held…
And now I’m wondering about my right shoulder, and all the tension it seems to hold…are we back to somatics?! The “stuff” I’m holding…
Grief is layered and complex. Theorists will tell you there are anything from 6 to 8 stages of grief, and there are definitely patterns in the way we move through shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance. That doesn’t factor in the time that this takes and that you can move backwards and forwards between these stages over many years.
It is important to note that there is no “right” way to grieve and certainly no “wrong” way. Everything you feel is okay and you need to be kind to yourself. You will feel so many things both emotionally and physically and having compassion for those feelings will be key to how you can manage the sense of overwhelm.
Taking time decluttering your diary by removing things that don’t need to be there, creating space to simply be, and being gentle with yourself are really important.
I guess what we are saying is everything is okay, there is no such thing as normal when it comes to grief and the primary concern is being attuned to yourself and what you need at any given time.
I was really “in” it on Wednesday and I just let it come; I let it out…because sometimes - well - you just have to…and I was “better” the next day. The ‘giving into it’ is (maybe) what I needed, well I didn’t have a ‘say’…grief is a rollercoaster (no-one wants to ride, but you don’t get a choice) and you just have to hang on in there.
It’s the “price” we pay for the love that will never die.
Add comment
Comments