I think Andrew Garfield and I would be great friends! Just putting it out there folks…!
I’ll come back to ‘why’ shortly (but, trust me, we would!)
GB (my inner child) has been SO present today - and so sad. Sad for a number of reasons, but, primarily because she felt invalidated at the start of the day - and that felt “unjust” and anything to do with injustice…well that’s her stuff!
I’ve then slipped down the internet rabbit hole where I started out by ‘researching’ complex/complicated grief/prolonged grief disorder - and ended up watching Stephen Colbert (American TV host amongst other things); Anderson Cooper (American broadcast journalist) and Andrew Garfield (British-American actor, AKA my new best friend to be) all talking about grief!
All three of those men know loss; Stephen & Anderson both lost their fathers when they were 10yo; subsequently brothers and now their mothers also and Andrew lost his Mum to pancreatic cancer when he was 35yo.
As we (probably!) already know I was 27yo when my Mum died of the same bastard disease.
Each of the conversations I have viewed on YouTube has struck me as “very American”; openly talking about feelings…openly showing emotion; “I wish I had a scar, unavoidable to see - saying ‘I’m not the person I was meant to be/started out being before my loss” (Anderson Cooper).
I don’t know, I almost can’t imagine a Brit, especially not a British guy speaking so vulnerably…which is why Andrew Garfield’s British-American approach to grief ‘gets’ me every time: “if I cry, it’s only a beautiful thing; this is all the unexpressed love…I hope this grief stays with me, because it’s all the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her”.
I have, 20yrs on, been thinking about my grief as something that “really should be getting fixed by now!” and maybe I need some somatic experiencing therapy - to get it “out”…but I am also aware that it feels to me that it is other people who have an ‘issue’ with my grief - and maybe it is my “superpower!”
As AI tells me (!): “While the exact phrasing ‘grief as a superpower’ may vary, several powerful quotes and ideas describe grief as a transformative force that can lead to compassion, strength, deep connection, and wisdom”. I’ll take that!
Stephen Colbert has spoken about “loving the thing that I most wish had not happened; it is a gift to exist and with existence, comes suffering…and what do you get from loss? Awareness of others’ losses!”
I know my experiences with grief have changed my perspective on life; expanded my resilience and deepened my empathy for, with, others - and that can only be a good thing for a counsellor, right?!
I sit with other people in their pain; words that I write may help others’ to write about their losses - and all of that is doing the thing that Stephen, Anderson & Andrew have all done - opened up conversations about (what is sort of still - ‘ish - a taboo subject!) death…which, in turn, helps to join us all together in “the experience we’re all heading towards, whether we like it or not!” (Andrew Garfield)
Whoever said it (Anthony Hopkins? Jim Morrison?), “none of us is getting out of here alive” - I adore that quote! And it does the same thing again eh, it JOINS us…as my new best friend also said, “how are we not talking about death all the time?!” (Andrew Garfield) - it’s a good point he makes!!!
But he also notes that “death is seen as a weakness…we fear it…we avoid it” - which is, I guess why I set out (publicly!) my wishes for my funeral a couple of blogs ago!
I ‘let’ GB feel today (silently wiping away tears as she <I…!> finished reading Richard Coles’ ‘The Madness of Grief’) - I let her “be”…I validated her…didn’t try to ‘fix’ her, I let her feel…and, in turn, it’s changed my starting point (rewind people!) - complex…complicated…prolonged…grief…disorder?! Nah, all of those words can, and frequently do “just” talk about the grief that we humans will all undoubtedly experience - and there is nothing tidy/ordered/simple about it!
I’ve also decided to embrace my “superpower” and rather than ‘excuse’ the fact that I am writing about grief again - I’m going to continue writing about the trauma of grief without excuse!
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