What is it about Christmas that makes loss feel so much greater? Is it because we remember times gone by and miss those who are no longer with us, or because we think of others who still have key people in their lives that they are able to spend time with over the festive season?
For me, it’s the enforced jollity of this, “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”; how you “should” be the life and soul of the party…I just can’t fake it. I (might) try (dependent on the company I’m in), but, being true to me…I can’t! And that can get you ‘in trouble’ with the folks who can ‘style it out’ and put the smile on.
Loss is most obviously when someone has died – yes I did the very unBritish thing of saying died, not passed away. I think we shy away from that term because we want to make death more palatable for other people. We want to make something so hard, somehow sound a bit easier.
But I did use the word loss, because I am also talking about other losses, relationships that are no more, friends and others that are no longer in your life for whatever reason.
I was sent a really insightful article in The Telegraph recently (13th November 2025) written by journalist Matilda Head whose Dad died when she was 21yo. She decided, just after a year since her Dad died, to volunteer at a charity in America, Experience Camps, “that runs residential camps for children who’ve experienced the death of a parent, primary caregiver or sibling”.
Matilda writes: “We were given a lot of advice about how to talk to the children. Namely, don’t shy away from saying died. Euphemistic terms like “loss” or “passed away” only add to idea that grief is uncomfortable and needs to be shied away from”. I think those terms try and pretend, dampen down, what you have potentially gone through with a death; it’s about making sure someone doesn’t “feel uncomfortable” - whereas that has already happened to you, when the person died.
Missing someone over Christmas is hard – for me it is my Nan – she adored Christmas, like lived and breathed it. I loved seeing her face light up when she gave presents and saw Christmas decorations. She epitomised everything good about Christmas. I miss that, I miss her. I always have a moment over Christmas where that loss feels overwhelming, but then I try and do what she would have done, and find the magic. It’s hard, but not impossible. We very much keep her memory alive over Christmas especially and she is very present in our discussions, traditions and hearts.
Whereas my Nanny’s funeral was on Christmas Eve (seems hard to believe now somehow!), I was 11 yo, and I distinctly remember my Mum saying to my Dad - that was it! Christmas was cancelled! And Dad suggested that she couldn’t do that to an 11yo! Wow! Do I empathise with my Mum now! That must have cut so very deep for her…and yet, she responded by seemingly OVERdoing Christmas for the rest of her days. I don’t know how, but she did; but this was a woman who kept her emotions tightly packed away from the world…for her own ‘protection’…? Exactly what I don’t do! What you see is what you get with me; heart firmly on the sleeve, I am not good at hiding my feelings - ‘cause I FEEL!!!
If this is the first year that you are without someone, be gentle to yourself. Firsts of everything are always hard. Perhaps try instigating a new tradition, do something different, but also keep a time and space to remember, don’t try to forget what has gone before. Memories can be good as well as painful. You will get through this.
What I do is grasp onto the things that bring me a bit of light (in the darkness!) I have 3 books I want to escape into in the coming days (they have been sat waiting for me all year now, as I attempted to start them last December!) I may be seemingly Grinch-like to some folk about Christmas, but I love a ‘festive’ hot chocolate; there are some Christmas tunes that I like (Thank God It’s Christmas by Queen anyone…!) I love the ‘smells' that come with winter - the log fires, the fir scents, heady winter berries…and I may have found myself the ultimate non-Christmas, Christmas, jumper (watch our socials for more details!!!)
These are all things I can control…and when my emotions feel a bit out of my control…that’s what I need as a focus for me. It is within my grasp to potentially escape into a book; smelling comforting scents; drinking soothing drinks; listening to music that brings me some lightness, and dare I say it, some joy!
If you are missing someone this Christmas, whether that be for the first time; the 20th, or for the 40th time, please know we are thinking about you. Be kind to yourselves, and take a moment over Christmas to recall the good times that you shared, or if that’s too painful - because it reminds you of what is no longer…raise a festive hot chocolate and pay tribute to that person by acknowledging the grief you hold is “all the unexpressed love that I didn’t get to tell her” (my hero, Andrew Garfield - speaking about his Mum).
We see you, we hear you, we feel for you; you are not alone. XxX
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