Somehow, we have reached December, which feels crazy as it was just summer the other day, wasn’t it? Anyway, December, the month that means lots of socialising, meeting with friends and family, work gatherings to attend…or avoid! For some people this is THE month of the year, for others it comes with lots of anxiety.
It’s not that we don’t want to see friends, family or colleagues, but the mental exhaustion that is involved is sometimes just too high a price. A social gathering can be physically and emotionally draining to the trauma experienced person. If you have anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD, or other mental health conditions, simply being in and around lots of people is really hard.
Let me explain a little. If I am heading into an event, I have to carefully plan every aspect, I need to feel totally “in control.” Then I have to find a “safe” space in the room, which will inevitably be a corner or failing that against a wall, so that I can constantly scan the room for possible threats. You see, to me the room is full of potential danger. I want to see fun and laughter, but I see risk and hazard. I cannot switch my high alert off for a moment, because I may miss a possible threat, and then it will be my fault that something has “gone wrong.” Quite often I am feeling so tense that my knees are locked, my jaw and hands are tense and I am shaking. But I will smile and try to make small talk, while keeping up the vigilance.
So, you see why we get exhausted, and why sometimes it is easier to say, thanks but I can’t make it tonight.
But how do we make it easier for us here and now in December? If you can share with just one person who is there beforehand, that silent understanding can help increase your sense of safety. Suddenly there are 2 of you aware of your inner world and alert to potential threat, a problem shared…
Lower expectations – do you have to stay all night? Why not plan to go for half an hour then decide how you feel. Don’t promise to be there at the end, and you have taken the pressure off yourself to stay. Sometimes removing that pressure makes it easier. After half an hour, check in with yourself, are you okay, do you feel like staying another half an hour or not? Remind yourself you have choices.
If you are the friend or loved one of someone who experiences this, letting them know they can share with you, that you want to try to understand, and that you are with them can all be a massive help. Telling them that they are safe won’t help sadly, because safety is relative and their world does not feel that way. Perhaps try telling them you cannot see anything that will hurt them. Be specific, “I know you are anxious, I don’t see anyone that is going to hurt you. I am with you.”
As that ‘other person’, I think it’s about understanding and empathy. “Getting” what the ‘issue’ might be and just ‘being with’ your friend/family member/work colleague; not asking questions, being patient and - there’s that word again, UNDERSTANDING. Your friend…doesn’t want to be ‘like this’ - they have no other option, it’s what the world has brought to their door and therefore how they HAVE TO respond.
It may well relate to the freeze response; how the body has responded to past traumas - taking away the ability to ‘act’, the ability to even speak…and how that leaves the individual feeling - powerless and questioning their autonomy.
Therefore, when it comes to a social situation…I guarantee you your friend will always defer to you, rather than decide categorically whether they are going to attend an event - if they are due to go with you - passing the final decision across to you. They don’t want to be seen in any way as “the problem” - and there might be something there about their feelings not mattering, hey! (Face-plant!) You see how multi-layered/deep it can be eh!
If you ask me, if you are stood with your friend in a moment like that, and OBVIOUSLY if you are both okay with hugs, offer them a hug - a secure moment then and there, where they feel safe and loved, and have the “evidence” that THEY MATTER.
However you feel about this month (and we all know that G will be back with her Grinch-ness later on in December!), may we wish you peace and rest, and may you be kind to yourselves, whatever that takes.
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December - just the WORST for some. Boxing Day the best day of the year - IT is over. New Years Eve not so bad - less pressure to be ‘jolly’. Peace and Love to all who ‘Suffer in December’.